Beauregard

Beauregard

Birthday girl of muddled ways
Ever inside wanting to truthfully see
Antisipating and always seeking a new way
Underestimating her own worth each day
Remembering most of the bad things
Ever losing sight of her own reality
Graced by a mind that is sharp and pure
Always giving way not being sure
Remember as you walk the next age
Dear Beauregard unique in many ways

I remember my first grade picture day dress. I remember how I didn’t like navy blue on me
and how the white Peter Pan collar was too stiff and too tight around my neck.
I felt like I was too big and my dress was too small.
Its pretty little bows couldn’t make a pretty little girl out of me.
I remember being self-conscious of the scars that freckled my face thanks to last year’s chicken pox.
I remember being nervous waiting in line to have my picture taken,
because I knew I would look terrible. I remember wondering why I couldn’t smile
right for the photographer and the way my thick red hair wouldn’t lay right.
But most of all, I remember being six years old and already hating myself.
From my trip to Disney World in second grade, to puberty in fifth grade,
from seventh grade’s rock bottom to tenth grade’s rock bottom,
self-loathing was the ever-present demon looming in the back of my mind.
So I guess you could consider this the story of an exorcism-in-progress.

It was some time last year that I realized, as a poet and lover of words,
that connotations of words didn’t have to dictate my life.
What could I mean by that?
Let’s consider, for instance, insults; words like “fat” and “ugly”
are connotatively equated to words like “worthless”, “disgusting”, and “unloveable”.
I realized that I didn’t have to equate “fat” or “ugly” with negative words.
I could equate them with whatever words I found befitting. I could make “fat” and “ugly”
personal compliments, after all, I am fat and ugly, and I’m pretty damn awesome.
Why should I consider myself pretty damn awesome despite being fat and ugly?
Fat and ugly were two things I had identified with for the past 19 years,
so why not consider myself pretty damn awesome
because fat and ugly are pretty damn awesome things to be?
That was steps one through two of
What To Do When You’re Ugly,
step one being “realize that you are, indeed, ugly” and
step two being “realize that ugly is not the worst thing you could be”.
From there, I was regularly flooded with memories and insights about my past.

I remember that as a child, my long, straight, shiny, thick red hair
was the only feature of mine that ever gave others a reason to complement me.
When adults looked at me they exclaimed, “Oh! What pretty red hair!”
and that was the end of their interaction with me.
I realized that that lead me to resent my hair even more than I already did.
I hated waking up each morning, unable to brush the knots out of my hair.
The ritual that followed involved my daddy desperately attempted to gingerly brush his baby girl’s hair
as she stood before him, cringing in her pajamas clutching Pooh Bear against her heart.
If we fast forward several years, to middle school,
I convince my mama to let me cut fourteen inches of long, beautiful red hair
to donate to Locks of Love.
I still have enough hair for a nearly-shoulder-length bob and
I am finally free of the complement-worthy physical feature that I never felt like I deserved.
That is in eighth grade, Kelsey age 13.
Six years later and my hair has only gotten shorter,
to the point where I currently buzz three-fourths of my hair to three-eighths of an inch long,
every other week.

My hair no longer causes me grief, anxiety, or poor self-esteem
and that may be due to the fact that there is very little of it at all!
Nonetheless, my experiences with my hair led me to step three:
make yourself happy. I am a firm believer that happiness comes from within.

Our minds are an amazing, irreplicable machines of actions and reactions.
We can often choose how we act and react, which will dictate our happiness.
When I began to believe that my happiness was something I had to choose for myself,
I started noticing all the little things that made me happy.
Alternatively, I also noticed all the little things that made me quickly reactive and upset.
Therefore, whenever possible, I surrounded myself with the things that made me happy
and avoided the things that upset me.
It’s an imperfect endeavor to maintain and impossible to perfect, but I always try.

One of the biggest things that makes me happy is expression,
which is a umbrella term for many things I enjoy.
My self-expression ranges from how I cut and style my hair
and the clothes I wear to my artwork and even my mannerisms.
I remember feeling like I hit rock bottom in seventh grade.
I was exposed to emo music and the gothic subculture.
I was infatuated, enthralled by the horror and fantasy influences of it all.
But most importantly, I could wear black, baggy clothes
to hide my disgusting body and smudgy black makeup to hide my disgusting face.
I reached rock bottom that year because my life revolved around that hiding.
My only emotions were disgust and shame, geared toward myself, and resentment,
geared toward my mother who did not want her daughter to be bullied for being a freak.
I climbed up from rock bottom when I discovered poetry as a form of expression.
It was ninth grade and I had found something that made me happy,
an emotion I hadn’t felt in years.
One year later I hit rock bottom again when self-loathing, anxiety, and depression
got the better of me and no form of self-expression was worth the effort.
Since then, I’m finding new forms of self-expression all the time.
I know that if I start to spiral downward again, I have the means to climb back up.
I know that I’ve lived through twenty years of hate, all from myself, and I’m still here.
I have the resources and the determination to keep living, and that step four: Keep living.

I Walk.

I walk where the weeping willow sweeps the soil
It hides me from the world, its where we all toil.
I cry, it will hide my tears, I hurt, it hides my fears.
Yet here I am safe from all troubles and cares.

Then that beauty of rain, hides my tears once again.
It sets me free to roam the world, to seek rainbows
A scattering of sunshine lights my world anew.
Where would I have been without the support of you?

I cannot free you as you always wanted to be
I have to stay within a sphere of my own reality.
What is that I hear carried on the gentle wind
The laughter of the children, there they sing.

If they would teach me all they know of happiness
Bless them, by angels wings they are caressed.
I think I shall become a child again, and learn to walk
I shall learn to laugh, and have some comfort talk.

I feel better now for talking to you with this song.
I ventured out with tears in my eyes, they are gone
I can once again walk with head held high.
Keep me so close, as you know that I can now fly..

being

Perfect weather

Sitting in the summer garden
Inner energy and outer climate are one
Seamless Passion

My body and nature world
are one perfect harmony.
Self and universe are one pure unity
Perfect Weather

Sitting in the garden
Being one wholeness.
I love the summer
Everything beautiful
Creation wonder

Human life Miracle.

Maitreya

Buddhamaitreya.co.uk

Late at Night thoughts

As I listen to songs drifting by
There is a quiet that tends to my dreams
Where are all those people out there?
Hovering in the ether, making no sound

I wonder how you are that you are so,
Where are the aches and pains of life?
The ones we talk of most days.
Has sleep overcome your ills and pain?

I will shout at your dreams and wake you
I shall send healing so warm to open your eyes
Is it me that is awake to the silence?
Talk to me as you re-awaken into this world

Here in the glow of computer screen I wait
Should I bother with being polite to your ways?
Let me lock my mind inside the peace of me.
I will answer your thoughts and send you dreams

Tomorrow is no longer a retreat it is not there
Only the now presides over this realm
I have spoken of these things many times
Is it failing to be heard in those awakened dreams?

Talk to me of things in this now, or past being.
Deal thoughts as playing cards waiting for the snap.
Be childlike in those thoughts more pure again.
I always listen to your ways, be they dreams or of the now.

I have to journey on in my now and will wait for you
Later as we take another tract that the universe calls
I will be there so just whisper my name,
They call me Grandad or correctly Alexander.

Just ask Sadie

My Dear Friend

My Dear friend,

Time passes and I sometimes cry,
One by one my friends seem to die
Let me at least take the lead this time
I don’t mind, I know the journey will be fine.

But my friend let’s wait a while before I go
There are many things I wish to know
All these years we have known each other
I have loved you so, like one of my Brothers.

It is not of you I need to know, but your Sister
Did you know that I always loved her so?
Time again reared its nasty head.
We separated, sometimes I wanted to be dead.

Here I am many years still clinging on you see
Sometimes regretting what distance did to me
But I found that through all the years away
A memory that held you both so close today

Promise me that you both will stay as you are
The distance in my thoughts is not that far.
I can touch you both easily as day on day
I think of you both there in my loving way.

Tell her that my love is as it has always been
Pure and strong, no this is no dream
It is the way things have always been
You my Brother, and your Sister my Queen.

I shall leave instructions for you to be told
That I have journeyed on to a place I know
Just to let you both feel and become aware
That the warm breeze you feel is me, I am there.

Yours, a Brother, and an infinite love always.
Thomas

A Quiet Day

My world had shrunk
It caught me by surprise
Horizons came closer
Yesterday so far away

Where did my space go?
My world had shrunk.
I tried to think of reasons
Did I stop looking around?

Friends no longer by my side
Children retreated to hide
My world had shrunk
Or was it me on the inside

I didn’t fear my journey’s end
Lonely though without my friends
What is it that makes me so small?
My world had shrunk

That’s all!!

Always

171129

There in my heart, I have felt many pains
Yet in my Spirit I knew the why’s of things.
Deep understanding of others, brush their souls
Live in their beings for a while you will feel.

Never be afraid of things you see in others
This is their battle and they must win
Let them lean on your shoulders, hold them
In your being there is infinite energy.

Never let your energy be used in any way
Let the universal energy bring you strength
Out there among all things, is a power house.
It is run by unconditional love always.

There but a thought away dwells forever.
All your yesterday’s todays and tomorrow’s
Will be there as you reach out to infinity
This belongs to you all, and will never change

No matter what or who you believe in,
Just walk within the goodness of being..

Harken to the silence

Shadows flit by our windows.
Listen to the whispers of past days,
Live in the quiet and gentleness of being,
Walk with like minds, touch the world.

A touch, sending shivers through the universe,
Talk to like minds and be at peace
It will be a peace that’s part of eternity,
Live each moment in the truth of love.

There a realisation of an eternal peace
Where ever we are we are joined,
I hear the tide coming, in gentle waves
Making all to become a closer power.

Letting us become part of the whole.

Meandering

Meandering

Sun, 2017-03-12 00:46

Sitting here what am I waiting for.
Nothing! Rings out echoing around.
There are other things to do you know
Why do you sit and watch others words?

Damn habit the reply slinks into mind.
Something of years gone by of sitting.
I would say Eureka that words have returned
Not true, I scold my shallow thoughts

Sit some more and stop wasting your time
Find an outlet for the whirling words
Thoughts ring out again, echoing their message
Tell me a story the keys glint away.

Here in many pages there is a life of words
Worlds where all feelings glow fact or fiction
Let dragons live and many things of the mind
If only there were more hours to wend away

I hear the laughter of happy souls
Then the tears of others locked in grief
Here is a conflict of mine, sorrowful thoughts.
I feel a bullet of grief, tearing the structure of the few.

If only I could shout a whisper in their ears
To tell them to live their lives and not others
Our life’s structure built on theology of others
Fear ground into our very being of uncertainty

When I leave you all here that sad look on your faces
I will be free to ask of me why? Then to feel truth
Take heed there may be only darkness falling on your soul
Then an eternity of dark, if only they could send us mail.

Their post is probably too slow if darkness prevails
We will be there before it comes to our abode
What if there is no time there what of the message?
Then we will be there before it’s sent, Ground Hog.

Yours Ian.T

Hello Again!

Hello Again!

Tue, 2017-03-28 00:11

I watched you grow young poet,
There in line after line you grew
A space here and there to talk with me
Friends trying to write their poetry

A cry from me that goes unheard
Where are you poets that you only write
Take time to read others words
A world built in verse for better or worse.

I love you all equally as my words stream,
there in my tapping keys holding a dream.
That we could ever be well known or just free
Let us learn from this mighty knowledge tree

It is near time for me to stop tapping away
Age and other things crowd my every day
Just promise me in words from your pen
That none of you will leave us alone again

If you find things in life are becoming hard
Write, one day you may become a Bard
Bet you can’t is what I will say today
Time draws near for me to wend my way

Bye, don’t be shy, just cry for all
Those that have left and travelled on,
Read of them in the old poetry’s song,
To be heard above the dawn chorus throng